Seriously? THIS is ok?

I may or may not have been watching Castle the other night, but I was definitely shocked by what I witnessed.  Castle had a broken leg and so was apartment bound and his daughter gave him a pair of binoculars.  When two police officers were in his apartment they took the binoculars and began peeping in people's windows.  At one point one officer took them from the other who was outraged because "she was just about to take her bra off, man!"

*Note: The two officers were not 'bad cop' types, but rather the good guys of the show.

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?!?

How is this ok?  How is it SO acceptable to look into a women's window to watch her get undressed that it is on a mild show like Castle?  I really don't understand this.  It is not funny, or cute, or understandable, or unavoidable.  And NO she shouldn't just close her blinds.  This is a disgusting invasion of this (fictional) woman's privacy, and that fact that it is being sold as normal, and acceptable (even for detectives) behaviour is (to me) so 1923.

I must call RAPE CULTURE here, and I am sad to say I don't think it will be the last time.

*2021 update: it wasn’t.

Saying bitchin' is bitchin'.

I have made a little decision and it goes something like this:

There are a lot of female pejoratives out there.  I thought about listing them (mostly as an excuse to type C U Next Tuesday) but then decided that was a ridiculous waste of time -- although it did remind me of when I was in grade one and I tried to think of a bad word for every letter of the alphabet.  You can imagine my embarrassment and my mom's horror when she found that notebook!!

Anyway...

The other day I was doing something-- let's say eating an entire package of pudding--when I had the realization that pudding is bitchin'.  The next realization was HOLD UP!!  Bitch usually means, well, YOU know, but bitchin' means something is AWESOME.  I decided then and there that I would use bitchin' as much as possible.  Because let's face it, women (dogs or regular human types) are awesome.

Where is the love?

What is feminism? What are we fighting for?  I'm pretty sure the basis of feminism is fighting for women's rights to do whatever the hell they want.

What I don't understand is the hatey hate I see flying around from everyone (including feminists) to everyone (including feminists).

Ok, so I wanna stay at home and bake cookies.  Good for me.
So I wanna work 9700 hours per week and have a nanny raise my kid. Good for me.
So I wanna 'Lean In' (barf. if you don't know what I am talking about--google it. And, I am not barfing about the idea, just how it has become this THING everyone is talking about).  Good for me.
So I wanna 'Opt Out'. Good for me.
So I wanna wear the same pair of sweatpants everyday, eat a salad for lunch and two chocolate bars for dinner and play rough and tumble with my daughter and kiss her far more than she likes.  Good for me.

I hope I am making myself clear here.  GOOD FOR FUCKING EVERYONE.  The only question you should be asking about someone else's life is, "Are they happy?" AND if you think they might not be happy then instead of judging their choices perhaps meditate and send them some happy thoughts.

Spread the joy people.

Brought to you by Sue Treat: Lady Thinky Joy Blog

Super Boring for others but Super Important for ME!

I'm not joking.  I am so bored by this post I can't even bare to edit it (not that editting has done me any good in the past).  So why publish you may be wondering?  Well, to be honest, I started with a very feministy idea, but then typed all this and couldn't BARE just deleting it all.  Also, it was good for me to really flesh all this stuff out.  Enjoy (you won't).

The month of June was a very good month for me.  I had a baby (it was awesome), and was also hired to a full time permanent position.

As someone who always wanted children I had put some thought into how long I thought I would want to stay home with my children.  My mom stayed home for ten years and always said it was the best years of her life.  I worked as a nanny before teaching and loved that fill-in-stay-at-home-mom role.  I always thought that I would want to stay home until my eldest was in full day school.  That being said, I was smart enough to know that you cannot make decisions about something you have never done before and I always knew it would be a possibility that I would want to go back to work after the one year maternity leave.

What I didn't know was just how complicated this decision would really be.  The factors generally and then specifically to my situation are as follows:

1.  Do I even have a job? The answer for some is no, and therefore there is no decision to be made.  For me, thankfully, I do have a full time job (although I was not hired permanently until after I left for my maternity leave).

2.  Does my job have options other than returning full time?  I am lucky in that my job has MANY options.  I know for many women, however, that it is return full time or don't bother returning at all.  I have to say as an aside that I find that very silly.  Why not allow job sharing or part time options?  That way MORE PEOPLE GET JOBS!!!!  And more than likely are more happy at their jobs.

3.  What can I (we) afford?  This also begs the question What are we willing to sacrifice?  Luckily, my partner and are are on the same page in terms of our stay at home values.  We can afford to work part time because we make reasonable incomes AND we are willing to sacrifice A LOT in order to live a part time lifestyle.

4.  What is best for me emotionally?  Do I need to be at home and not at work ALL THE TIME?  For many women going back to work provides them with an ideal home/life balance as they wouldn't be happy as stay at home moms.  For me, the thought of going back full time was nauseating.  I really do love being at home.  However, after visiting my work place I was reminded of how energizing I find my job. But what is the best option?

4.  Will I lose seniority (or something similar) by not returning?  When I visited my work place I spoke with a colleague about my work/home dilemma.  I told him I didn't want to lose my footing at work.  He responded by saying, "Of course you don't.  You've worked really hard and waited a long time to get a spot."

5. What does my partner need? Does s/he need me at home more or to be at home him/herself?

6.  What does the child need?  For some children daycare may be the best option because they might thrive in this different environment. 

7.  What day care options are available? Parents, friends, home daycare etc.

WELL, my husband and I have decided to both work part-time next year.  I was really lucky in that my husband had some wants and needs which made the decision not one that rested entirely on my shoulders.   We will both work a little (although me a little more) and will both be at home more.  It should be amazing.

What I really want to say here is that this decision was SO STRESSFUL and upsetting (before it was made).  I was really at a loss.  I felt pulled in many different directions and for one of the first times in my life I felt like I was trying to work through a fog because I really couldn't identify what I WANTED.

The last thing I want to add was that I know I am TRULY LUCKY to have had this stress because it means I am financially stable in a job with amazing flexibility.  If only everyone could be so lucky.  Is this how bored all of you were when you had to listen to me go on and on about this?  Yuck! (But hurray.  Decision made.)

If sex doesn't matter, than why does it matter so much so me?

When I hear people say things like, "he is such a boy!" I vomit in my mouth.  Especially because 'being such a boy' usually means something like a child throws a rock or something.  The same can be said for the girlie things like...being obedient.  I have seen first hand how girls are praised for playing with 'girlie' things while 'boy' type stuff is taken from them (and vice versa of course).  I really feel deeply within my soul that whether someone is a boy or girl has little (dare I say nothing) to do with whether an individual will like light red (also known as pink) or vehicles.  The fact that we think it does makes us all a little bit crazy (and by crazy I mean just plain dumb).  Let me clarify.  I mean all this stuff for AT BIRTH.   Because, within seconds of being born babies are already being gender socialized which of course means different sorts of connections are being made in their brains.  I know this because I have my PhD in both Cognitive and Neurological Psychology.  Ok, I don't and I can't let the sarcasm stand because we all know sarcasm doesn't travel well through the inter-webs, AND there is a .01% chance someone who doesn't know me is reading this and might think I am actually that educated.  So, girls and boy are the same, right?  At least in many if not most ways.  Or maybe I should say that males and females have the chance to be the same.  Or something.

Ok, so...

WHY IS BEING A WOMAN SUCH AN IMPORTANT PART OF MY SENSE OF SELF?

I mean really.  Being a woman is WHO I AM.  It is perhaps the greatest part of my identity.  I love being a woman.  I love being part of the sisterhood of women.  This is making my brain hurt a little.  If I really think sex doesn't matter, than how can it matter so much to me?

Perhaps it is because we life in a boy/girl world and not a male/female world.  What I mean by that is that we almost exclusively use the culturally loaded words BOY and GIRL instead of male and female.  When a baby pops out no one shouts, "It's a FEMALE!" but rather, "It's a GIRL!" and instead of picturing I vagina (as I did when I typed 'it's a female') we picture pink-lacy-skipping-ropey beings instead of blue-car-driving-sneaker-wearing beings.  My point here is that maybe at this point there are some real measurable differences between boys and girls because we as a society have worked SO hard  to create this dichotomy (and the price for breaking these rules is severe).  Let me be clear.  I am not a biological determinist.  I believe that beautiful babies are born and the world is their oyster-until we put them into a pink onesie.

So maybe I am just using good ole practical common sense.  Maybe SEX doesn't matter when we are talking about little babies.  But maybe GENDER does when we are dealing with adults who have been heavily socialized to conform with the cultural limitations of gender construction.

Please forgive me for not delving into the implications for those who do not fit the label male or female.

Hit me with another one, Donny

You know that part in Jerry Maguire where he is driving somewhere after something really good happens and he wants to rock out but the radio is not cooperating...until..."Free Falling" comes on?  I think every person who watched that movie sang along with him (at least in their heads).

Is there anything in the world better than when the perfect song comes on the radio and you can sing along at the top of your lungs?

The other day I was driving home and had my own Jerry Maguire experience.  "Strong Enough" by Sheryl Crow came on.  I cranked it and sang along and felt truly happy, just like Jer.  When Sheryl was done I took a deep breath (singing can take a lot out of you) and said, "Hit me with another one, Donny!"  (The song was played during the Donny Osmond radio show.)  After making this somewhat embarrassing comment I decided it needed to be immortalized on the inter-webs and who better to do that then me?

It also go me wondering what YOUR "Free Falling" might be. So, what is it?

Why I'm not narcissistic after all!

Yesterday (as most of you know) I sent out an email to let people know that I was back at blogging after my month or so long hiatus.  I have often struggled with the idea of blogging because I felt that there was something egotistical about it.  I guess I was thinking that is was narcissistic to believe that I have something so interesting to say that it is worth putting out there on the world wide web.  And more to that, telling my people about it with the expectation that they might read it.  

Here is a response I received yesterday from a friend about the email:

Are you kidding!  I'm thrilled to read. It's not narcissism, it's self promotion, self-expression and a natural human desire to connect with a community!!!!  

So, two things:  1) What a nice and reassuring response from a dear friend.  This really did make me feel better about myself and my blogging.  Well, maybe not better, but more assured and comfortable.  2) This really did hit the nail on the head for me.  After all, this blog is all about ME. Not my job, my husband, daughter, other family members etc.  Just me.  My thoughts, my hilarious jokes and what I find interesting AND sharing them with the people I adore. 

So, I guess I'm not so narcissistic after all.

Christmas in retropsecpt

As I look out my window I can't help but wish it were December.  Snow is so much more enjoyable when it is BEFORE Christmas (especially when the aforementioned snow is occurring post March Break).  These thoughts got me thinking back to Christmas 2012.  For me the lead up to Christmas can often be more enjoyable than the big day.  This year was complicated in that some of my immediate family were not speaking or seeing each other.  Also, it was the first year with an in-demand-super-popular-baby.  This meant that there was disappointment on the side of my in-laws for not being with them Christmas day and that Christmas day was divided into two in order to see different family members who did not want to see each other.

The pont?  It was all a little too much and not what I wanted.  Not what was best or most enjoyable for me or for my family.  I don't want this.  I want to have a perfectly joyful December 25th (or other day on which I am celebrating!).  But before I can have the prefect Christmas Day I have to know what that means to me.

The lesson in all of this is that perhaps I should spend some time THINKING.  Perhaps we all get so caught up in the shoulds of the holidays that we forget the coulds.  And I think Christmas COULD be wonderful if I chose to make it that way.

So, off I go to imagine the Christmas of my dreams....

A world without sleep...

The most difficult thing about being sleep deprived is the self doubt to which it leads. I mean, if I can't use adverbs properly, remember any words at all, or form complete sentences, how can I trust my emotions? Especially because for me emotions are so closely linked to sleep.

When my husband and I disagree and he looks at me like I'm off my rocker, is it because a) I'm off my rocker, b) my husband only thinks I'm off my rocker when really I am making total sense or...I just had three points and now I can't fucking remember the last one. Man it is hard to be witty when you are really fucking tired.

The scarier thing yet (for me) is what if I wasn't experiencing self doubt?  I think it is pretty admirable that I can acknowledge that my brain is not working properly and therefore I might sometimes behave irrationally.  But this realization makes it hard for me to trust myself.  Hence self doubt.  Solution? Have a nap OR stop using adverbs.

Have we all gone crazy?

Why do we (as almost an entire specie) do so many things that make us unhappy?  Is it because
a) it is really REALLY hard to be happy
b) we don't know what will make us happy
c) we don't care if we are happy
d) we don't reflect on if we are happy.

For example:
I eat a million pounds of highly processed candy even though I know it is bad for me and in my heart I don't want it (yet even writing about it makes me wish I hadn't eaten everything bad in my house already today!).

I am awake right now typing this even though my eyes are super squinty from exhaustion and I know there is nothing in the world better for me then going to bed.

I watch super scary TV shows (often times out of boredom) even though they scare me and make me feel yucky.  ok, they're not that scary, but still.

Why do I do this stuff?  Am I crazy? Are YOU?

THE WORST though, is when you know what a perfectly happy beautiful life would look like, but you don't make it happen.

I'm gunna make it happen.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Why is different BAD?

No really.  Why?  This is some mysterious thing that I just don't understand.

Okay, actually I do have a little theory and it goes something like this:

Being normal often means ascribing to social norms.  This usually means that someone dresses and acts 'normally.'  I think that the ability to pick up on these social cues means that you will perhaps be good at picking up on other social cues (like behaving appropriately in social situations).  I have found an anecdotal correlation between looking kinda weird and acting kinda weird.  So, being different can perhaps make you a wild card in the sense that people may be unsure of what how you will act.  This brings me the a sociological paradigm called Symbolic Interactionism theorizes that our interactions are based on using and responding to symbols.  So, perhaps when someone is different they don't use or respond to the same cues we are used to and it makes us normal people (don't you love how I think I am normal?) unsure of how to act or respond and let's be honest, no one likes to feel unsure of her or himself.  This discomfort often leads to anger or even hate.

BAM.  Problem solved.  People who are different make us feel unsure of how to act or respond which makes us feel bad and therefore we turn this negative emotion back on the weirdo and blame them for being different.

Man people!  Open your hearts!  It is okay if you don't know how to act. Vive something!

Goodnight.

The perfect balance doesn't exist or why we shouldn't be so hard on people

I think this is the third time I have attempted starting this post. Since none of the other tries have been successful, I am going to get right to the point.

Balance.  Is this the impossible dream?  Now, before I really get to the meat and potatoes of this post I simply must acknowledge that this problem (as I experience it) is one of privilege or luck or is a blessing depending on your point of view.

So here we go:  I always feel like I can't do everything.  The 'everything' in my life includes the following:

1.  My Job

2.  Maintaining a positive relationship with my husband

3.  Meeting social obligations

4.  Maintaining positive relationships with friends

5.  Exercising

6.  Making healthy homemade food

7.  Being an awesome mom

8.  Having FUN! (now, sometimes this can include any of 1 through 7)

What I have found, especially recently, is that the people in my life are struggling with the same problem.  I know someone who does very well at 1, 2, 3 and 5 but not so well with 4 and 6, and this person really never seems to have fun.  I know others who really struggle with 5 and 6.  I think this is a common problem of people in and around my circle.  It might be a problem with everyone, but since I don't know everyone I just can't say for sure.

This is not rocket science or new.  Or a new type of rocket science.  What is new to me about this struggle to find balance is that even though I cannot find balance, I harshly judge others when they cannot either.  For example, I know a couple who is overweight.  They never EVER exercise, they buy a lot of pre made foods, and they eat out a lot.  But you wanna know something about these people?  They are SUPER happy!!  They have a great marriage (as far as I can tell), they love their kids, they are passionate about their jobs, they travel together and with their children.

The bottom line for me is that the most important thing in life is to be happy.  If eating out or paying someone to make your food allows you to spend more time at your job and with your family, and this makes you happier, DO IT!  If spending less time with family and friends so you can work out makes you happier, DO IT!!  In short, (and I will say duh to this) DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY!!  And maybe, just maybe, take it easy on others for not doing what makes YOU happy, because maybe what makes them happy is different.

Sha-Bam.  

Why I'm Glad I'm Not Famous

Every time I get out of a vehicle wearing a skirt, I literally thank the stars above I am not famous, because I know if I were (famous that is) then every time I got out of a vehicle someone would snatch a picture of my, well, snatch.  See, I am not very 'lady like' (a phrase I simply abhor), and I cannot be bothered to take an extra 20 minutes getting out of a vehicle just to keep my privates private. So, I look around, and if I am even 40% sure no one is watching I let it all hang out as I get out.

Recently a dear friend directed me to the site feministing.com because of an article on what was then a recent interview between Matt Lauer and Anne Hathaway.  Ms. Hathaway was there to discuss her role in Les Miserables, but Mr. Lauer chose to begin the interview asking about a recent incident where her privates were exposed.  He knew about this (as did most of the world) because someone took photos and then sold them.

Matt Lauer is a misogynistic dickweed.  Maybe I should be embarrassed for not knowing who Matt Lauer is, and maybe I shouldn't make such a snap judgement about someone I don't even remotely know, but when someone says the following to a woman who has been sexually harassed and arguably sexually assaulted, I'm pretty happy to judge them and even happier not to know them.  Mr. Lauer said the following:

"Seen a lot of you lately."
AND
"What's the lesson learned from something like that?"

Ok, just to clarify, someone took photos of Anne's downstairs region WITHOUT HER CONENT and then sold them WITHOUT HER CONSENT and then Mr. Lauer had the audacity to blame her and as feministing said SHAME HER?  Are you kidding me?

Here is how the interview should have gone (in my super angry opinion):

Matt Lauer:  Anne Hathaway, good morning, nice to see you.
Anne Hathaway:  Morning Matt.
ML: Before we get started I just wanted to take a minute and tell you how sorry I am that someone has so horribly invaded your privacy.  I find it completely disgusting but since it is your business and no one else's, I will finish my comments there.  If you have anything you would like to say feel free, otherwise, let's move on to Les Mis.
AH: Thank you for not being a misogynistic dickweed.
THE END.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD?

twenty thirwhat?

Hi all.  I'm back.  Bigger and better than ever, and I thought I should let you know something.

IT IS 2013.  Seriously.  How the f-word did that happen?  I think it'll be a great year.  Cheers.